Immortal, but not Infallible

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A week ago I got sick with a virus. While this isn't a big deal for most people, especially given that there are lots and lots of illnesses going around, and the weather has been cold for the season (Spring IS supposed to be here, right?), it's a big deal for me.

It's a big deal because I haven't been sick in six years. Until this.

I wasn't just a little sniffly. I was sick in a pretty powerful way. Like spending two days in bed. Body aches, fever, rash, the whole nine yards. I felt awful.

I guess the body has a way of making you slow down, even when you don't want to.

I joked that I'm not immortal anymore. But that's not true, now is it? We're all immortal. I forgot for a second there.

What I'm not, though, is infallible. I can get sick, even if I don't do it very often. Why did I get sick this time? I'm not sure. But instead of wondering why, I'm turning to gratitude. I'm grateful for: the healing mechanisms in my body that helped me recover, my friends who sent me healing energy, my naturopath who advised me well, and most of all, my husband, who took care of the kids so I could rest. I'm also grateful for the long time that I enjoyed powerful health, and for the upcoming six (or more) years of health ahead before the next time!

May we all be in good health, and if not, may we find that our recovery process gives us more reasons to be grateful for our support systems, inside and out!

Tiny and Huge

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I've been thinking lately about the paradox of being. Doesn't that sound philosophical?

What I mean is that on the one hand, I've learned a lot about Reiki in the past five years or so. I've taught lots of people around the world, and aim to teach many, many more how to access this powerful, yet simple connection to healing, growth, and balance. I've written two books, and published a set of cards (and an app!). I started a school. 

Yet, every day, I am acutely aware of how much more there is that I don't know yet. There are levels of intuitive sensitivity that I have not reached. There is a vast sea of knowledge that I have barely absorbed a drop of in all this time. 

I feel as if I've followed a spark, and it led me into a sky full of stars. Yet this one spark has given me so much that it can't be measured and I haven't reached the fullness of it yet. It's overwhelming to consider sometimes. 

Here's what I mean...

• I'm a "big voice" for Reiki. Yet what I know is so very tiny compared to what there is to learn. 
• Here we are on this planet, each of us unique, and yet even our planet (which seems huge to our perspective), is a tiny droplet in a sea of universal vastness. 
• Our bodies are complex, powerful interactive machines, yet inside us, between the tiny bits of atomic matter, is mostly space. 

Big, and yet so very small. I know lots of people have pondered this. I'm not presenting a new idea here. 

Lately, I've felt the need to grow more, and I've decided that 2013 is a year for self-development and growth. Opportunities are presenting themselves to me, and I'm saying yes. It's pretty cool.

I have no idea what will come next in my growth, but I'm trying to prepare myself to house new knowledge and intuitive abilities. I want to make my energy a "fertile" place. 

So I've been meditating more. That's new, as my readers know, and also challenging for me. To assist me in finding the "most effective" meditation technique for me, I have some cool tools. Among them is a Neurosky Mindwave Mobile headset, which can measure and track my different brainwaves, and an app called Transcend that keeps track of how often I manage to access those theta and delta (meditation level) brainwaves, and how long I sustain them in my meditation period. Having these tools gives me the chance to try different things and learn about myself. For instance, I am testing whether staring at a candle is better than closing my eyes. And whether listening to music is better than silence, humming OM, or listening to a binaural mp3. I'm using this to test whether visualizing myself floating, counting breaths, or keeping my mind as quiet as possible helps to create the most effective meditation method for me. It's a learning process. 

I've noticed that since I started meditating more often, I'm more frequently calm in the face of drama. My kids, for instance, get angry or upset about something, and instead of getting swept away in it myself, I'm staying calmer without effort. I also noticed that my energy work feels stronger to me - meaning that the tingles in my hand feel stronger. I know that's a signal of intuitive growth, and I'm telling the Universe to keep it coming. 

Drop by drop, the new knowledge will come. And I'll share it with my students (and blog about it here of course too) as it does. 

And drop by drop, I may grow a little bit. But I still know how small I am at the same time. 

Being as small as we all are, though, the coolest thing is this - we are all connected to the absolute HUGENESS of EVERYTHING. Oops, I think I shouted that.  All of our knowledge, experiences, thoughts, emotions, and molecules of our body, are part of the giant, flowing, interacting and changing sea of all that is. The energy that I share, and help others share, can bring that light into this vastness, and make a difference. Thinking about this is reassuring, and also helps me feel that I can be significant for all of my tininess. We all can.

Ready? Let's make some waves.

The Pain in the Process

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Since August, I've been part of a holistic healing team providing energy and other holistic support for the nicest woman, Lisa. I was asked, along with my good friend and Quantum-Touch practitioner, Ernie Betz, to be part of a team to help her. We all volunteer on various days at 11 am, and go to her house to offer our services. Lisa is 44 years old. She has four children the same ages as mine. She has a doctorate in nursing and worked in a hospital. Her kids are home schooled. She has stage four cancer in her breast and hip bone, and the medical doctors gave up.

Ernie and I have been seeing Lisa weekly on Fridays since August. When we first went, she was very frail, in a hospital bed, and had been unable to even sit up for five weeks. We didn't know if we'd be seeing her the next week or hearing of her passing. Two weeks later, she was sitting and had more energy. Each week, there were more improvements - miraculous and exciting. Most of the summer, she was getting physical therapy to walk again, and the hospital bed disappeared into the attic. She was dressing herself, could stand, and was getting around in a wheel chair. We would talk about her feelings and her progress for about half an hour, and share energy healing the second half. We laughed and shared stories about parenting, healing, and all kinds of things. I attuned her and her husband to Reiki and she read my book. I also shared other books with her, and we gave her healing stones. I've never been part of such an incredible process.

They are a beautiful family. A couple weeks ago, I even brought my kids to play with theirs, and they had a blast, all getting along and really having fun together.

For the past month, though, she has started to have setbacks. She's been having trouble breathing, swelling in the feet and legs, less energy, and difficulty sleeping. They've tried adjusting things including diet, herbal supplements, aromatherapy, homeopathics, etc. Nothing seems to be making a difference.

I have to admit I am having a hard time.

Intellectually, and as a teacher and Reiki practitioner, I know my role. My role is to provide energy. I offer support. The rest is not up to me. It never was. The good, the bad, any results at all are not mine. My feelings are totally incidental to the process. I need to just be grateful for the opportunity to serve. And I am. So very much so that I can't describe the endless depth of it.

But today, she seemed barely there. She hardly spoke. She fell asleep a little. She held a couple ice chips in her mouth to counter the dryness of struggling to breathe despite the oxygen tube just inside her nose. She asked us to help her receive the energy, because she couldn't feel it today.

Her husband is the sweetest, most attentive, positive person I've ever met. Their family has lots of support - meals brought in, people helping with the daily necessity of living, parenting, chores and bills. He has not left her side in weeks.

I am having a hard time.

"I have no right to have a hard time," my snarky voice says. "I'm coming home to a healthy family. I'm healthy. I leave after the hour or two I'm there and go back to my life."

But this experience brings up memories of sitting with my mother-in-law during her final three days as she floated in and out and struggled to breathe. I felt helpless then. I feel helpless now. I know, yes, that the energy I'm providing and my presence is helping. But she is so young. She's my age. Her kids are my kids' ages. This seems so wrong. "Not that I have the right to judge what's wrong or right for another," my snarky voice chimes in. "Yeah, I know," I answer. But it sucks. It's too familiar and I don't want it to be.

I'm also acutely aware that if the healing team hadn't been there, she very likely wouldn't have shared the Fall, much less Christmas or New Year's with her family. And I am grateful for that time. But couldn't all of our combined effort have done MORE? Did I miss something? Was there ANYTHING else we could have done to help? I just don't know.

I don't even know if I'll be able to see her again next week. The thought is like a punch in the gut, as aware as I've been this whole time that it's always been a possibility. Is it even possible that she could have a second turnaround? I just don't know. And, I remind myself, it isn't up to me.

Part of this role is being able to let go of expectations and just be present. That is healing and that is helping. Any agenda, expectations, hopes, celebrations or disappointments just don't belong in the equation. THIS IS HARD!! It's hard because I love them. It's hard because I care and I DO want her to recover; how can I not want this? What kind of person would I be if I was totally detached?

I went back and read my posts I had written (linked above) when we were with my mother-in-law during her final days. It helps to read the comments and also revisit my thoughts and feelings about life, dying, and coping.

I guess that part of life is being aware of the wholeness of it all-- The whole process: beginning and end, living, learning, and also moving on. When it comes to passing, first we do this as a witness, and eventually it's our turn. The best we can do is to just be present in every moment, for every moment we're given, and experience it. That's what life is - the experience.

Thank you for allowing me to share. All of you who read this blog are part of this shared experience.
If you would, please send a thought, prayer, or a stream of healing energy to Lisa's family and all who care for her.

Namaste.

43 in 13

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It's my birthday and the 5th anniversary of the day I started this blog.

I went back and read last year's post and am grateful for the progress in achieving my goals, and the new goals that I've added.

But I'm not going to talk about those things this year. I just want to share my day.

There's a lot of hoopla going on right now. People are all excited over tomorrow, 12-21-12, and the Winter Solstice too. Energy people I've spoken with are talking about the intensity of the energy they feel. I can't say that I'm as swept away as some are, but I do feel a sort of intensity. Plus, with the recent events in the news, who doesn't feel the intense energy right now?

So that was all the more reason for my choosing to spend this birthday on myself. Time for some "me time"!

Here's what I did today to celebrate my birthday:

• I met a Facebook friend (who I've never met in person) at a lovely little bakery cafe for some breakfast and really great "Reiki talk". Her name is Michelle Winkler, and her website is http://www.createhealingreiki.com/.
• I went to see my very favorite massage therapist, John Goad, for a very nurturing 2-hour massage. Not only is John amazing as a massage therapist, but he incorporates energy work, aromatherapy, and  myofacial release techniques. I had the honor of teaching John Practical Reiki two years ago. His energy work is very powerful! The whole experience was wonderful. If you're within 2 hours drive of Mantua, Ohio, an appointment with John is well worth the trip!
• Then I got my driver's license renewed (it expired today). The man taking the pictures at the dmv was smiling and so nice that it's my best driver's license picture ever!
• I came home, made a nice dinner, spent some time with the kids, and now I'm enjoying a quiet glass of wine while I share my day with you lovely readers.


• My new Energy Healing Cards (which I just published!) came and they look really great! They are now available on Amazon as a gift for the energy healer you are or the energy healer you know.(Energy Healing Cards are a tool for anyone practicing Reiki or other energy healing techniques. Beautiful, full color cards each feature an intention and an affirmation to inspire and encourage your daily healing practice. Choose a card for extra healing, meditation or journaling, or inspiration. Many uses and lots of healing potential in every card. 44 cards plus an instruction card. 3.5 x 5", rounded corners, laminated, packaged in shrink wrap and sent in an organza drawstring bag.)

So I'm sharing all of this with you because it was such a lovely day. I'm so very grateful that I had the chance to take some time for myself. I promised myself I wouldn't wait a year to do it again.

The message here (there's always a message, isn't there?) is that especially when stress is in the news, our work, and energies surrounding us are high, we NEED to take time to care for our bodies and our souls. Whether it's your birthday or not, this is really important. It helps us stay at our best to manage all we do. 

May you all enter the new age refreshed and ready. 

Happy holidays and new year too!

12-12-12 and the Children

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As a family with a more active awareness of metaphysical practices than the average, we tend to have some different issues too. An interesting thing happened today, and I thought I'd share it.

For some reason I can't really fathom, this morning my 10-year old daughter, Sari, told my six-year old daughter, Arin, that the Mayan Calendar is at its end, and that means in nine days the world could end, the sun blow up, and the planets all die. FOR THE RECORD: I did not ever even mention the Mayan Calendar to any of my children, nor did I have reading materials lying around about it. So in this case, it didn't come from me. I think my kids' interest in this is more than most because we talk about astrology at times. We also talk about crystals, Reiki, angels, healing, pendulums, muscle testing, and tarot cards. But it's also been the talk at school, and it's hit the mainstream too.

This morning, before I had gotten out of bed, Arin was in my room asking me if it was true. I reassured her that just like when we finish a calendar we start a new one, the Mayan Calendar is just at the end and a new one is needed. I told her that the world is fine, we are fine, and she is safe. The kids went to school.

After school, Arin told me that she was so worried during Kindergarten today that she couldn't concentrate. She was scared, almost cried, talked with her teacher (I expected a phone call this evening but one didn't come), and that she was going to be very kind to everyone so she could "die in peace." Oy vey.

I told Arin again that she needn't worry. I told her that if the world was going to end, scientists would know and it would be on the news and the computer. And it isn't. I also told her that her dad and I would talk with her if something like this was going to happen. I told her that not in nine days, nine years, or even ninety years or nine hundred years, would this happen. 

And most of all, I told her that one should be kind because it makes LIFE better for oneself and for others, not in order to "die in peace." Goodness. Where did she get THAT one??

I also took Sari aside and let her know what her little story did for Arin's day. Sari felt awful. I told Sari just to learn from this that it's not okay to tell little kids scary stories, because they can't tell the difference between scary stories and reality. And I reassured Sari that this story she was telling was not going to happen.

There's a lesson here. Talking about the Mayan Calendar - 12-12-12, 12-21-12, and all that speculation is picked up by kids, taken in, and repeated to each other. It affects them, it confuses them. It's so unnecessary.

Here's what I think about 12-12-12, and 12-21-12 and all that: 

• This is a new time. People are becoming more energy-sensitive. Many are waking up and finding out that there's more to life than the five physical senses tell them. They are seeking answers, seeking connection. They are realizing that thoughts and intentions are powerful. They are finding their power to heal themselves.
  
• The energy is heightened these days. The Solstice, the movement of the planets and the Sun, they all affect how people feel. It can cause mood swings, uncertainty, and some confusion for those who are becoming more sensitive. It can make people wonder if "something is coming." It is. But nothing bad. Just a wave of new energy. I felt a little dizzy at times today myself. I grounded my energy more than usual to balance it out.
  
• Those of us who work with energy are being called to teach those who are ready to learn. I'm here, I'm ready, and I've been preparing for this for nearly five years. 

And here are a few reminders:

• Talk with your kids. Find out what they've been wondering about, and reassure them that they are safe and loved.
  
• Ground your energy. When you feel a little off, breathe. Get outside. Drink water. Eat something with protein or that grows in the earth.
  
• Be vigilant about self-care for your energy and your body. Give and receive positive healing energy. Be mindful of your energy. Take time for meditation, connection, and mindful awareness.
  
• Be a resource of love and light to those who come into your circle.
  

Blessings and light to all metaphysical-minded parents, everyone becoming one, and those who are as yet unaware. 

Thanksgiving 2012

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It's Thanksgiving. 

It's always good to review the reasons to be grateful around this time. Funny, but it's really good to do this daily. I even saw a trend on Facebook with some of my friends to post something every day that they were grateful for. 

In the Reiki Precepts, gratitude is one of the five things that are listed as the secret method for inviting happiness. They all are:
  Just for Today, I will
  Avoid anger
  Avoid worry
  Do my work honestly
  Be grateful for all I have
  Treat everyone with kindness.

So now we have a holiday about expressing gratitude. It always kind of makes me laugh. Like Mother's Day - one day to honor mom, when it would be nice to be treated with respect every day. Many of us do anyway, so why one day a year? To make sure we get to it?

Plus, I kind of have weird feelings about Thansgiving's origins....but I'm not going there right now.

I have lots to be grateful for. This has been a good year.

Here are the top five on my list. Please read them, and then post your top five as comments here below this blog post, because we'd have a really nice long list if every reader added five!

I am grateful for:

• The ability to work from home, with all four of my kids in school together. A few hours of quiet during the day help me focus, be productive, and schedule my day with flexibility.
   
• A growing practice, increased enrollment in my school, fantastic teachers and staff, opportunities to teach in Lily Dale and The Cleveland Clinic, and a new book published this year.
   
• A supportive husband who very agreeably and competently cares for our four kids those weekends when I go to expos or meetings in Columbus, or teach out of town. He's a great partner and a wonderful father.
   
• My wonderful students who send me grateful emails and thoughtful questions daily. Not only do they help validate my purpose in life, they also surround me with love.
   
• My four children, who fill our house with energy, laughter, love, singing, challenges, and a reminder every day of what family really means. 

Mazel Tov...and now what do I say?

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This weekend is my 13 year old daughter, Rayna's Bat Mitzvah.

 (For any readers not sure what that is, it's a Jewish Rite of Passage for kids turning 13 in which they lead prayers, and read a passage from the Torah - that's the "Old Testament" - a scroll written entirely in Hebrew. It takes months of preparation to learn. The student also prepares a speech about what all of this means to him or her. It signifies being old enough to take on a more responsible role - in fact, those who have had a Bar or Bat Mitzvah are counted as Jewish "adults" for the purposes of ritual and responsibility.)

As the mom of the Bat Mitzvah, I'm supposed to say a few words to my daughter in front of the congregation during the ceremony. I'm struggling to decide what to say. I mean, of course, "I'm so proud of you, you're such a beautiful young woman inside and out, and you've grown so much" come to mind. But beyond that...I'm feeling stumped.

Those of you who have been blog readers here will probably know that I struggle personally with formal religion. This is especially so because Reiki gave me my spiritual connection, not praying in temple. I'm really saying it lightly here, because I actually harbor a lot of resentment toward formal prayer. It really does nothing for me spiritually except frustrate me. I think Reiki has changed me into a Spiritualist. But I'm still a Spiritualist in a Jewish life, with a Jewish family and kids that go to Jewish Day School. So I keep my inner conflicts hidden for the most part (except here in my blog where I can let it fly!) 

This ceremony is special and important for my daughter, certainly. She's done a very dedicated job preparing and I know she'll lead her parts with grace and competence. But to me, really, this ceremony is more about a coming of age than a spiritually uplifting event. 

Family and friends are coming in from out of town and locally to attend. They'll all be so proud of Rayna, congratulate her on her accomplishment. Look at what she did: she learned a lot of prayers in Hebrew. And she can lead them confidently in front of friends and family. She learned her Torah part and wrote a nicely educational speech with a dash of humor. Well done. 

I acknowledge with some relief that other people will find this more spiritually meaningful than I do. 

Rayna and her siblings are being brought up a little differently from other Jewish kids at their school. In addition to learning and practicing Judiasm, my kids do Reiki. At home, they also talk about angels, crystals, and know how to use pendulums and Tarot cards. I think they already are far more spiritually advanced at their age than I was with a Master's Degree in Jewish Studies at age 37. So what can I say in front of this congregation, that will be sincere, and also inspiring in some way to my daughter?

I guess I could focus on what I want for her. I hope that she will always be proud of who she is. I hope that she will continue to grow and listen to her heart. I hope that she will always know that she has permission to question and wrestle with everything she is taught...even by me. 

I hope that will be enough.