My Zumba Meditation

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I've been taking Zumba classes at Studio X in Gaithersburg. This isn't for wimps, either. I sweat myself stinky and shake my tush until I'm ready to drop. The classes are drop-in, and only $5. Honestly, I only started doing it because I recognized a need for improving my fitness level. Which happened because I was trying on a potential new pair of jeans in Target and caught a glimpse of my butt in the dressing room mirror. Only it wasn't my butt. It was my mom's. How it got onto my body, I'll never understand. But, at that minute, I knew I'd have to find a way to recover my own rear end. And thus, I put myself in Zumba class. 

At first, I felt pretty awkward. Seeing myself in the mirror confirmed that, yes, I am awkward. Thanks a lot, mirrored walls. The gorgeous, muscular, joyfully smiling teacher led fast-paced sexy movements that I tried to follow, while trying not to trip over myself or get in the way of the people around me who seem to know every step.

I determined to get it, and got focused. It's really fun, actually, and I love dancing, so I felt good moving and shaking it out. During the first few weeks, after a bunch of songs, I was breathing hard and sweating. I figured it must be nearly over by now. Then I looked at the clock. It had been 15 minutes. 45 to go. Dear God.

As the weeks went by, I've started to learn basic moves, and get sort of familiar with some of the songs. I don't look at the clock as soon now. Usually it's about 40 minutes into the hour before my eyes wander there. And I look somewhat less awkward in the mirror, when I catch a glimpse. My body likes it too, and I'm starting to feel more toned, which is a good thing. Maybe my own butt will return soon too. I think there's hope. I've sent out the invitation for it to come back.

And I've realized something more important. Zumba is like meditation. I'm talking successful meditation, too. The kind that quiets the mental chatter. Here's why: When I'm there in class, I have to follow the teacher's moves. The moves change rapidly, the patterns are short and varied, and involve my whole body. There's no possibility of letting my mind wander, because I'll miss something and end up going the wrong direction, bumping into someone, or falling on my face. I can't be thinking about what's happening after class, or who I need to email, what I'm making for dinner, or my kids arguing this morning. My brain simply can't hold those thoughts and move my body in coordination with the teacher's pace at the same time. So I become present, focused, and totally in the moment.

These are the qualities I teach my Reiki students to emulate during a Reiki session. Be present, only observing what's happening now. Be focused on that observation of sensation and energy flow, which also keeps the left brain chatter at bay. Be totally in the moment, because that helps strengthen the intuition. 

They are also the goals of a good meditation. Just being present - not distracted by a dozen thoughts, feelings, and unnecessary worries. Being focused on that mindful presence - allowing the left brain to be quiet. Being in the moment only - that's a serious goal for mindful living. Because, really, all we need to do is deal with what's happening now. Any chance to remember that, to bring our monkey mind back to the here and now, and just BE here, is a good thing. 

While I'm not very good at basic silent meditation, I find I'm doing better at the guided kind, which I've been trying to listen to daily. But I have to change it up, because predictability tends to cause my mind to wander, and before I know it, I'm thinking of all the stupid little things that make my meditation time a big #FAIL. I find it remarkable and sort of amusing that I'm best at creating that mindful, meditative, in the moment presence when I'm giving Reiki, or doing Zumba. 

So that's an interesting lesson. I guess Zumba is a moving meditation for me. 

I welcome your comments, as always.

Tiny and Huge

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I've been thinking lately about the paradox of being. Doesn't that sound philosophical?

What I mean is that on the one hand, I've learned a lot about Reiki in the past five years or so. I've taught lots of people around the world, and aim to teach many, many more how to access this powerful, yet simple connection to healing, growth, and balance. I've written two books, and published a set of cards (and an app!). I started a school. 

Yet, every day, I am acutely aware of how much more there is that I don't know yet. There are levels of intuitive sensitivity that I have not reached. There is a vast sea of knowledge that I have barely absorbed a drop of in all this time. 

I feel as if I've followed a spark, and it led me into a sky full of stars. Yet this one spark has given me so much that it can't be measured and I haven't reached the fullness of it yet. It's overwhelming to consider sometimes. 

Here's what I mean...

• I'm a "big voice" for Reiki. Yet what I know is so very tiny compared to what there is to learn. 
• Here we are on this planet, each of us unique, and yet even our planet (which seems huge to our perspective), is a tiny droplet in a sea of universal vastness. 
• Our bodies are complex, powerful interactive machines, yet inside us, between the tiny bits of atomic matter, is mostly space. 

Big, and yet so very small. I know lots of people have pondered this. I'm not presenting a new idea here. 

Lately, I've felt the need to grow more, and I've decided that 2013 is a year for self-development and growth. Opportunities are presenting themselves to me, and I'm saying yes. It's pretty cool.

I have no idea what will come next in my growth, but I'm trying to prepare myself to house new knowledge and intuitive abilities. I want to make my energy a "fertile" place. 

So I've been meditating more. That's new, as my readers know, and also challenging for me. To assist me in finding the "most effective" meditation technique for me, I have some cool tools. Among them is a Neurosky Mindwave Mobile headset, which can measure and track my different brainwaves, and an app called Transcend that keeps track of how often I manage to access those theta and delta (meditation level) brainwaves, and how long I sustain them in my meditation period. Having these tools gives me the chance to try different things and learn about myself. For instance, I am testing whether staring at a candle is better than closing my eyes. And whether listening to music is better than silence, humming OM, or listening to a binaural mp3. I'm using this to test whether visualizing myself floating, counting breaths, or keeping my mind as quiet as possible helps to create the most effective meditation method for me. It's a learning process. 

I've noticed that since I started meditating more often, I'm more frequently calm in the face of drama. My kids, for instance, get angry or upset about something, and instead of getting swept away in it myself, I'm staying calmer without effort. I also noticed that my energy work feels stronger to me - meaning that the tingles in my hand feel stronger. I know that's a signal of intuitive growth, and I'm telling the Universe to keep it coming. 

Drop by drop, the new knowledge will come. And I'll share it with my students (and blog about it here of course too) as it does. 

And drop by drop, I may grow a little bit. But I still know how small I am at the same time. 

Being as small as we all are, though, the coolest thing is this - we are all connected to the absolute HUGENESS of EVERYTHING. Oops, I think I shouted that.  All of our knowledge, experiences, thoughts, emotions, and molecules of our body, are part of the giant, flowing, interacting and changing sea of all that is. The energy that I share, and help others share, can bring that light into this vastness, and make a difference. Thinking about this is reassuring, and also helps me feel that I can be significant for all of my tininess. We all can.

Ready? Let's make some waves.

The Pain in the Process

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Since August, I've been part of a holistic healing team providing energy and other holistic support for the nicest woman, Lisa. I was asked, along with my good friend and Quantum-Touch practitioner, Ernie Betz, to be part of a team to help her. We all volunteer on various days at 11 am, and go to her house to offer our services. Lisa is 44 years old. She has four children the same ages as mine. She has a doctorate in nursing and worked in a hospital. Her kids are home schooled. She has stage four cancer in her breast and hip bone, and the medical doctors gave up.

Ernie and I have been seeing Lisa weekly on Fridays since August. When we first went, she was very frail, in a hospital bed, and had been unable to even sit up for five weeks. We didn't know if we'd be seeing her the next week or hearing of her passing. Two weeks later, she was sitting and had more energy. Each week, there were more improvements - miraculous and exciting. Most of the summer, she was getting physical therapy to walk again, and the hospital bed disappeared into the attic. She was dressing herself, could stand, and was getting around in a wheel chair. We would talk about her feelings and her progress for about half an hour, and share energy healing the second half. We laughed and shared stories about parenting, healing, and all kinds of things. I attuned her and her husband to Reiki and she read my book. I also shared other books with her, and we gave her healing stones. I've never been part of such an incredible process.

They are a beautiful family. A couple weeks ago, I even brought my kids to play with theirs, and they had a blast, all getting along and really having fun together.

For the past month, though, she has started to have setbacks. She's been having trouble breathing, swelling in the feet and legs, less energy, and difficulty sleeping. They've tried adjusting things including diet, herbal supplements, aromatherapy, homeopathics, etc. Nothing seems to be making a difference.

I have to admit I am having a hard time.

Intellectually, and as a teacher and Reiki practitioner, I know my role. My role is to provide energy. I offer support. The rest is not up to me. It never was. The good, the bad, any results at all are not mine. My feelings are totally incidental to the process. I need to just be grateful for the opportunity to serve. And I am. So very much so that I can't describe the endless depth of it.

But today, she seemed barely there. She hardly spoke. She fell asleep a little. She held a couple ice chips in her mouth to counter the dryness of struggling to breathe despite the oxygen tube just inside her nose. She asked us to help her receive the energy, because she couldn't feel it today.

Her husband is the sweetest, most attentive, positive person I've ever met. Their family has lots of support - meals brought in, people helping with the daily necessity of living, parenting, chores and bills. He has not left her side in weeks.

I am having a hard time.

"I have no right to have a hard time," my snarky voice says. "I'm coming home to a healthy family. I'm healthy. I leave after the hour or two I'm there and go back to my life."

But this experience brings up memories of sitting with my mother-in-law during her final three days as she floated in and out and struggled to breathe. I felt helpless then. I feel helpless now. I know, yes, that the energy I'm providing and my presence is helping. But she is so young. She's my age. Her kids are my kids' ages. This seems so wrong. "Not that I have the right to judge what's wrong or right for another," my snarky voice chimes in. "Yeah, I know," I answer. But it sucks. It's too familiar and I don't want it to be.

I'm also acutely aware that if the healing team hadn't been there, she very likely wouldn't have shared the Fall, much less Christmas or New Year's with her family. And I am grateful for that time. But couldn't all of our combined effort have done MORE? Did I miss something? Was there ANYTHING else we could have done to help? I just don't know.

I don't even know if I'll be able to see her again next week. The thought is like a punch in the gut, as aware as I've been this whole time that it's always been a possibility. Is it even possible that she could have a second turnaround? I just don't know. And, I remind myself, it isn't up to me.

Part of this role is being able to let go of expectations and just be present. That is healing and that is helping. Any agenda, expectations, hopes, celebrations or disappointments just don't belong in the equation. THIS IS HARD!! It's hard because I love them. It's hard because I care and I DO want her to recover; how can I not want this? What kind of person would I be if I was totally detached?

I went back and read my posts I had written (linked above) when we were with my mother-in-law during her final days. It helps to read the comments and also revisit my thoughts and feelings about life, dying, and coping.

I guess that part of life is being aware of the wholeness of it all-- The whole process: beginning and end, living, learning, and also moving on. When it comes to passing, first we do this as a witness, and eventually it's our turn. The best we can do is to just be present in every moment, for every moment we're given, and experience it. That's what life is - the experience.

Thank you for allowing me to share. All of you who read this blog are part of this shared experience.
If you would, please send a thought, prayer, or a stream of healing energy to Lisa's family and all who care for her.

Namaste.

Be Here Now

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There is always, it seems, a balance to be mindfully walked. Balance between action and patience, balance between faith and action, balance between surrender and preparing. They are all related, and all a part of my life lately. The tough part is deciding how much of each to put into the mix for the right amount. I think the right amount is achieved when one feels at peace, knowing that one has done what is necessary and then is able to surrender the outcome to the Powers That Be, the Universe, God, Spirit, Source, whatever one chooses to name the Divine power in his or her life.

Finding that balance can feel like walking a tightrope. I truly think that the feeling of being at peace is the answer to whether one has accomplished it. I struggle often to get to that, as I think many do. But it's worth it, because life is much easier in those moments when one has that sense of being centered, calm through the stress, not affected by the anxiety that could be crushing.

In my life lately, there is the direct challenge of putting this into practice. My husband is going to be on his way to Virginia at the end of next week for a final job interview in person at a hospital. This is a great opportunity for him, and it means a huge change for our family should he accept an offer from them. I support him being in a great job, wherever it takes us. There are many things that we would need to do in order to make it happen, and we could get swallowed by the to do list and freak out. I have decided not to do that. We are waiting until he has an offer, and then will sit and calmly make that long, long list, and get started one thing at a time until we are there.

And also, if he doesn't get this job for some reason, another will certainly work out for him. He has other interviews lined up, and many applications in, and things are beginning to happen from those. The unknown factors and ongoing money issues are enough to cause hyperventilation, but deciding not to go there, to instead live in THIS MOMENT NOW, have been the answer to enjoying life so much more.

Living in the now - this moment - not in "what if" or "but it might not" or "what are we gonna do" land - is the key to being open for the opportunities to present themselves. It is the way to deal with everything while avoiding anxiety, and staying balanced. Breathing, and being aware of the spaces between the breaths, helps me remember that I'm here, now, and not in my head worrying about everything. I don't have control over whether this job offer will come. I only have control over what I'm doing right now, this moment.

It doesn't mean being inactive or giving up. It means doing what you can, one thing at a time, and not worrying over what's next, down the road, what might happen, what might not happen, or over-planning. I have consciously chosen to live in the present, and it does take effort, but little by little I'm doing it. The benefits are tangible. I used to be very anxious, a worrier. Now I'm moving out of that mindset and feeling more able to enjoy things.

I'm enjoying playing with my kids, talking with my husband, and getting my work done. I'm sure more benefits will realize themselves as I bring presence more and more into being.

Try it with me. Several times a day, stop and focus on 10 breaths. Just be tuned in to your breathing, and count each one if you want. Observe how it makes you feel when you return to what you are doing. It's basically a mini-meditation that you can do several times a day, which brings you to the present moment, and calms the mental chatter. While you're breathing, try to take full breaths - from deep down in your abdomen. Many of us breathe shallowly throughout the day. A full breath is cleansing, and increases circulation and oxygen flow to the brain. It's good for us.

I know that there are big changes ahead for my family, and I'm ready. I've put out there that I want the best thing for our family to happen, the best opportunity for Evan to be his. Now I'm allowing the Universe to make it happen, and doing those things which I can do now, one at a time.

Reiki helps me also with this. When I am sending a healing, attunement, or doing self healing, I am only focused on the energy flowing, and it brings me to the present. It is centering and balancing, and feels wonderful. I think that everyone should have Reiki in their life as a tool for self-awareness, healing, and helping others. Everyone is capable of learning to connect with Reiki, and I am blessed to have the ability to teach people of all ages how to access Reiki energy. It is easy to learn and instantly available. If you'd like to know more, please click here to go to my website.

As for the next developments, I'll keep you posted. Thanks for hanging in there with me.

Peace.

Pressing "Pause"

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I wrote last week about waiting. My life lately has been a process of waiting. This is especially true, you know, because my husband has been looking for work. Lately, things are happening for him - he has 3 interviews coming up this week - but it's still a process of waiting. We know that despite the interviews, we won't know if he has a job for a while yet. Two of the interviews are first interviews, and one is a third interview out of town. That last one is an amazing opportunity, but would involve us moving 300 miles away, selling our house, and starting anew. I'm not opposed to the change, in fact I find the idea exciting, but the reality of getting the house repairs done, stuff cleared out, putting the house on the market, and all of the details involved are rather overwhelming. All of the constant stream of "what will we do if" and "when will we know?" circling around my thoughts gets tiring and, I realize, isn't productive.

I'm a planner by nature. I like to be as prepared as possible, thinking that if I can figure out what I'll do in any given situation that could arise that I'll feel more confident and ready. It's intellectually satisfying in the moment, but I also know that no one can really predict the details and be prepared for each one. So the constant churning of thoughts, scenarios, arrangements, and ideas is actually just burning energy.

I need to pause. I need to breathe. I need to visualize the outcome I would like and just sit quietly with that in mind, sending energy to it. I admit that I have not been able to stop myself long enough to do this. But I will. I really will, because I know that is the way to help all of this. It's the way to help myself stop cycling through the constant barrage of "what if's" and help manifest the best possible outcome.

A good friend and inspiring person, Lissa Rankin, leader and founder of one of my favorite websites, owningpink.com, said in one of her posts just to ask the Universe to send you inner peace, then surrender to the outcome, knowing that all will be arranged with the best outcome for you, whatever it may be. Sometimes it may be surprising, unexpected, or feel like it's taking your life in a new direction. But trusting that all is working out as it should is a sure way of quieting that nagging constant stream of thoughts trying to prepare for every outcome. That kind of surrender to a blank slate outcome involves an extra step of inner quiet, and requires having presence in the moment - something else I'm trying to become more consciously connected to. Thank you, Lissa!

So today's post is a reminder to myself, and a reminder to any of you lovely readers who might need it along with me - let's pause. Breathe. Ask for the outcome that will bring inner peace. Things will all line up and work out for the best.

Ready?