Driving with my head out the window

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Ace Ventura

These past few weeks have been weird. As I sat here composing my post, I thought of a few metaphors for how I've been feeling.

One is the moment when Alice steps into the looking glass, yet isn't quite across yet. She is simultaneously in both worlds - her familiar home, and Wonderland. (Which is more Weirdland than Wonderland, anyway, right? I mean, it's more disconcerting than wondrous most of the story, especially that nasty queen!)

Another is the image of sticking my head into another dimension, while my body is still here, in my original one. I'm seeing all sorts of weird things, but I'm not fully in there with them. 

I named this post "Driving with my head out the window" because I guess that captures it best. It's not about just standing there looking back and forth, but it's also representing the idea of the motion of things whizzing by outside, but inside they feel still, despite the actual movement of both.

In many areas of my life, I'm feeling like this. 

First, my business, Reiki Awakening Academy. Lots is in the works, in progress, right now. Among them, a new website is being developed. It's VASTLY different from the current one, and also a whole lot better. I'm waiting for the coding to be finished, and then I'll have loads of work to upload the real content instead of the placeholders that are there now. We are also planning a full school year of classes, trainings, and retreats. But the school year hasn't really started yet. So all of this momentum is happening behind the scenes (that's the outside the window part), while inside the car, everything seems like it's just sitting here waiting to get somewhere. 

Next, my home life. My husband, Evan, has spent most of the summer interviewing for a very big position 350 miles away. This organization recruited him, quite "out of the blue" but not really, as it happened just a few days after he tried a manifestation exercise that I taught him. More interestingly, it is the same position he interviewed for four years ago, and back then, he was suddenly passed over when they hired an internal candidate. This job was a fantastic fit for his education, experience and skill set, and the level of position and salary sounded perfect for us. It was surprising and a little jarring at the time that (seemingly at the last minute), he didn't get the offer. Turns out that if he had been offered the job then, it would have been absolutely wrong for our family. Shortly after he didn't get the position, his mom got sick. We were very much needed here, and if we had moved, it would have been impossible for us to stay. We spent the next eight months caring for her. And then she passed. And we had to settle her estate, sell her house, and readjust our lives. It took time. 

Back to this summer, when as I mentioned, Evan was suddenly contacted by that very same organization, saying that the same position is open again, asking if he would consider applying for it. Only this time, he went through the whole interview process, and was called and told that they are putting together an offer for him. They had said they were going to make the offer last week. But then they called and said their finance committee would be on a retreat for the week, so the offer won't happen until Aug. 21. We don't know what the offer will be, or if the (we assume) relocation package will be enough to make this possible for us. 

I get that same world-rushing-by-while-I-sit-and-wait feeling when I think of all the ways this could play out, along with figuring out what to do about our house, a new place to live, school systems for the kids, a new Reiki practice location for me, and the timing of it all. It's impossible to really plan until we know about the offer. So, until Wednesday, or possibly a few days later after negotiations, my head is out the window trying to catch a glimpse of the world of potential, while my body is here, getting the kids ready for the start of school next week in their current school. 

Finally, those I work with - my business partner, and my Naturopath, both incredibly intuitive people (to say the least). I went to see my Naturopath last week to get some advice and energy work for a small but irritating health issue. She helped me with it, and then we were chatting about computers. She told me about how she gets overwhelmed by electromagnetic energy, like being in the Verizon store. She could always see energy, and it certainly helps her in her work. I can't, and I could stand in the Verizon store all day without noticing the energetic difference. I listen to her and it's like sticking my head into the looking glass while the rest of my body stays put. I feel like I'm somehow missing something by not being as sensitive as she is to the energies all around me.

My business partner emailed me yesterday. She had a surreal (to me) experience of being in and out of her body most of yesterday, being visited by spirits, Guides, and getting "downloads" of new books to write. She grounded again last night and "returned" to a more earthly state of living in her body. But honestly, she's like the Mad Hatter (not crazy - no implication intended there!), and I'm in Wonderland when I read about her experiences. I am that Alice, looking around and feeling out of my element when faced with things like this. I can only look - these experiences are out of my realm. They are, though, common enough for her, as she has been astral traveling since being a child. 

So here I am in a sort of limbo. I do my thing - I am good at giving Reiki. I'm pretty awesome at teaching Reiki. I can give some insightful Angel Card readings. I have a sensible business savvy. Inside my calm little car, I am used to the way things are. 

But I'm feeling like intense things are whizzing all around just outside of me in my little world, and I can guess about them, hear about them, learn about them, but they aren't taking me with them to experience them personally. While it's just a matter of time - just a few more days - for Evan's situation to work out, and a matter of weeks for my website to be ready, new programs to be launching, and classes to begin again, my imagination and desire to be moving (rather than waiting) are far ahead, whizzing around in an unsettled pattern.

And when it comes to the people I'm working with, I don't know if I'll ever be able to really visit their worlds as they see them. It bothers me a little. I remind myself that they both have had a lifetime of that natural intuitive gift that I only started finding in myself and working towards five years ago. Logically, I know that perhaps, in time, with continued work on my own development, I could sense something of what they experience, when it's right for me. And, that is ok.

But for now, I'm feeling like I'm driving with my head out the window. Inside the car, I feel the sensation of barely moving. I'm enclosed in my little space. But my head, outside the window, is getting a bigger, wilder reminder that what I experience inside my space is only a fraction of what is really happening.

How do you ride through your life right now? Will we see each other on the road, our hair whipping about wildly in the wind?

Are you near the looking glass? Do you know it's there? Have you stepped inside?

In the Fire

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Last night I attended a Fire Ceremony. A man named Ljubomir Rozic has these Shamanic ceremonies at each new and full moon. There's a bit of learning about a healing concept, a meditation, and then the fire. He teaches everyone to touch the fire and bring it into their heart chakra (there are no burning or special effects involved!). We also put a list into the fire of things we would like to remove from our lives. Then Ljubomir changes the frequency of the fire to manifestation, and we put (either symbolically or physically) into the fire a list of things we want to manifest into our lives. By the way, it was pouring rain last night, and we still gathered and did the ritual. This was my first time going, and I really liked it. It was also my husband's birthday. He wanted to go (to my surprise), and also really liked it.

I've been thinking lately that I have lots of things in the fire (symbolically). You know the expression "A lot of irons in the fire"? That's what I mean. I've got a lot of irons in the fire, and I'm waiting to see what's going to come out.

The things I have in the fire are all things that I've applied for, or inquired about, and am waiting for results or answers.

Here's my list:

• I applied to be part of the new Transdisciplinary Holistic Care Education Program at the Cleveland Clinic. This includes specialized training in holistic patient care, rounds, case studies, and lots of direct experience in being an advocate for Reiki and holistic care in the hospital setting. Only CCF staff and volunteers from the Healing Services Department were allowed to apply.
 
• I sent in my application to teach in Lily Dale for the Summer, 2013 season.
 
• I've been invited to be a practitioner for a research study on comparing the effectiveness of acupressure vs. Reiki for people with Gulf War Syndrome. I completed all necessary forms as asked. Funding should be approved (or not) in two months.
 
• I pitched an idea for a board game to a game company. They received it and will get back to me...whenever they do.
 
• I am beginning to plan a very big two day Practical Reiki training weekend for April, 2013. The goal is to have at least 100 participants. I'm looking for a venue, interviewing holistic event marketing professionals, and waiting for people to get back to me.
 
• I'm starting a project, called the Just Love Project. There will be t-shirts that on the front say "Just   love."
  On the back, will be a variety of quotes, cartoons, and specifically chosen artwork that fits the theme. The writers and artists who created the selected works for the back will also be featured on the website. 100% of the profits from the series of shirts will go to charity. Each quarter, we'll change to a new charity. The idea is to spread messages of being loving and kind, while also doing something more to help those who need it. I've initiated contact with the first couple of artists and writers whose work is fitting, and am waiting to hear if they are willing to participate. I had one shirt made to see how it would turn out. It arrived yesterday. Stay tuned for a more official launch...whenever it's together. I've got the website, the manufacturer, and the idea. Now I'm waiting to see who will participate so I can get to work on the website details.

So, these are a lot of works in progress, and my need for patience is at a premium. There's such an element of surrender in waiting. I'm very much an action person, and those of you who've read my blog over the last few years (bless you all!) know that this is one of my life lessons. 

Meanwhile, I'm working on things that need action now - teaching, giving Reiki, promoting events, finding a venue for my big spring Practical Reiki workshop, etc. Of course, there are personal life things going on always too. Next month is my oldest daughter's Bat Mitzvah. There are school activities, homework, lunches, grocery shopping, chores, and a big group of holidays to observe in the next few weeks. 

So I breathe. And put myself back into the space of the present moment. "Just love," I remind myself. It's all about that.

And, I'll let the fire ignite, offer, and shape what's been placed in there. I look forward to seeing what emerges, all in the right time. 

The State of Wait

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I feel like I live in a perpetual state of waiting. I'm waiting for registration to come in for classes scheduled soon, for checks to come in for work I've done, for packages to come with things I've ordered, for new opportunities to crystallize from the dream-seeds that I planted. I'm waiting.

I'm getting better at waiting though. I think I'm getting used to it maybe. I don't get as anxious as I used to, and feel less stressed out. I have more faith that things are being arranged, and I see signs that things are developing to make them happen. That helps me have patience.

Today I had a powerful and profound day. I was at The Cleveland Clinic, where I volunteer as a Reiki practitioner on Tuesdays. I go around with one of the Healing Services staff, either a clergy or a staff Reiki practitioner, and give Reiki to patients who have put in a request for a visit. Sometimes in the afternoons, I go to nursing stations and offer the nurses Reiki. They usually accept if they have a few minutes, and they are enthusiastic and appreciative. It's a fulfilling opportunity, and I look forward to it every week.

So, today I was going on patient visits with a Healing Services staff person. We went to visit and give Reiki to two patients who were in the stages of dying. There was no more that could be done (medically) for them, and we had been called to offer them Reiki to ease their transition. We also offered and then gave Reiki to their family members who were there with them.

Giving Reiki to these patients brought back intense memories of being with my mother-in-law at the end of last summer as she was going through this transition. I recognized immediately the way these patients were in and out of consciousness, the way they seemed between worlds.

Most of all, it brought back memories of the waiting that we all did as we were with my mother-in-law, during her final few days. The family members of these patients today were also waiting, providing comforting presence to their loved ones.

I could feel as the Reiki flowed that these patients were going to pass soon. The energy was different, slower, more gentle, than when I give Reiki to a person with an illness, wound, or post-operative procedure. Both patients acknowledged the energy. One said it was wonderful. The other nodded when we asked if it was okay for her. They both knew what was happening.

Their family members who we gave Reiki to afterward were appreciative. The energy helped them relax and feel cared for.

All day today, I've been reflecting on this experience. I understand the waiting they were all doing.

I asked the angels to be with them all, especially the little 4 year-old son of one of the patients. The waiting they are doing is a stronger, more emotionally intense kind of waiting than the waiting that's part of my daily life. Their waiting is their job right now.

My daily waiting is something I have to monitor, though. It's not my job. My job, I remind myself, is to live in NOW. Because waiting all the time takes away from what I'm doing now, and I forget to enjoy the present.

My kids are on winter break. I took them to the playground yesterday, despite the 19 degree temperatures outside, to slide down the icy-fast slide and then get some chocolate mint hot cocoa. It was my birthday. That part of the day was the best part of the day. We had a good time. Tonight, after dinner, we played a game together. Game night is one of their favorite family activities. When I'm distracted from the waiting by doing something fun with my kids, I am enjoying life a lot more.

Waiting can lead me to worrying. I'm going to be more mindful of that process, and make the effort to stay focused and present. Then the angels can do their work of making things happen, and they can line up the steps I'll take toward getting me to my goals. This is a much better way to live.

Being in that waiting space again with the families of the transitioning patients today reminded me of the difference between necessary waiting and unnecessary waiting.

Peace.

The Lull

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I have lots of new things in the works. A network of energy workers that meets once a month, called The Energy Network, starts this coming Sunday. A new Reiki for Parents class starts locally this Saturday. A new section of the online virtual classroom Reiki Awakening Energy Healing Certification Program starts Oct. 12. And I'm starting to plan a Reiki Retreat for May 13-15, 2011. I have the location and a contract, and lots of ideas. So the ideas are flowing, plans are in place and in progress, promotion for the classes is out there. Now I am waiting for registration to come in.


My husband, Evan, had a second interview for a position that could potentially be a good fit for him. He is waiting for the call about whether they will offer it to him or the other candidate they were considering. That call is supposed to come today, but so many times the people say they will call on such-and-such a date, and they call days or even weeks later. Plus if they offer the position to the other candidate, it's unclear whether he will receive a call or be left to assume it wasn't for him. More waiting.

This is the hard part for me, and has always been my challenge - waiting. How do people do that? How do people wait for things to happen and stay calm? I have an influx of "what ifs" going through my mind as I try to plan for every possible scenario.

I know, I know. Be in the moment. Isn't that what I advise everyone else? Just be. Surrender. Let it go. You've done all you can do. Now the Universe will bring you the students. The Universe will arrange Evan's perfect job at the perfect time. All will fall into place.

But I'm standing on the precipice, waiting. And the phone is quiet. The email is bringing in ads and email newsletters that I wonder why I subscribed to (or if I did). I should be busying myself with other things so I can keep from thinking about it too much maybe. (Hey, maybe blogging about my feelings will help to soothe them. I think that's why I started this one. I'll let you know if it starts to work.) Part of me feels like screaming, actually. Not too cathartic yet.

I can do some self-Reiki. That helps for a little while. I know, I know. Be, surrender, let it go. Good words. Hard for me to hear right now, even from myself.

So I ask myself what will happen if...

• No one registers for my class. I will have to cancel it. Then I will question why I keep doing this. Was it the timing? Was it the audience? Was it the marketing? Was it the content? Was it the fee? Was it me? If the Universe has given me this path (and it still feels like it is my path), and I'm marching on it full speed ahead, why aren't the students flocking (or at least enough of them to make a class happen) to fill them (and why do they always seem to come at the last minute, putting me through this horrible repeated wondering and creating a run-on-sentence problem?)
  
  
• No one comes to The Energy Network meeting. I will sit there wishing people had come. Then I will wonder why people didn't show for this opportunity to share an hour and a half talking about energy healing, their practice, and giving and receiving energy. Was it the timing? Was it the audience? Was it the marketing? Was it the cost (I think it's very reasonable but what do I know)? I feel somehow guided to make connections and offer a supportive and open place for those who work with energy to mingle and share. Why hasn't anyone preregistered?
  
  
• No one registers for the new Certification Program. I'll cancel it and wonder all the same things as above.
  

This waiting time is hard enough to have me wondering if a steady job with a steady income is a better choice than this life. My heart is deeply entrenched in Reiki work. I literally left a full time career to do this and resolved to dedicate this year to building my Reiki practice. I suppose this is no time to wimp out. The ideas are still coming, and I am running with each one as my head tries to keep up with my feet. My heart screams in protest when I consider changing direction again, even for a few minutes. Even my freelance writing work is unsteady, as I wait for new projects, or wait for payment for those I've completed. I blame the waiting for creating all this doubt. And also some tension about waiting for Evan to land that perfect position that he needs to help ease our money issues and make the waiting and planning easier on my end. It's a money flow issue, which I know I'm not alone in facing, given the state of our country's economy right now.

But it's all about waiting. And how to do it gracefully. I'm rather awkward at it, even still. Two weeks ago, acupuncture helped me with this. I know that Reiki can do the same thing. I admit that it's hard to get myself calm and quiet by myself to apply Reiki, except at night when I'm falling into bed. During the day I feel like running around and doing something and it's hard to slow down my body or my mind for long. Excuses, excuses, my inner self chides. Yeah. I hear ya, inner self. Ok.

Breathing. A good start. I am now going to take three deep long breaths. Here. Take them with me. 1.....2......3. Actually that helped. After I post this blog, I'm going to go take a shower and Reiki the shower head so I'm receiving a shower of warm Reiki with the water. Okay. It's a plan. I'm even going to continue with this mindful breathing at least once per hour, three times. I think I always need to know something I can DO while I'm waiting that will make the waiting easier, if I've done all I can otherwise. I have a new notebook for jotting down my ideas and I think I'll get started on making a list.

I close with a song. "The waiting is the hardest part."

Have a good one. Breathe with me today. Thanks.